Am I Depressed or Is My Ego Dying Again? (Navigating the Messy Middle of Becoming Who You’re Meant to Be)
“Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead, let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?”
— Rumi
Here I am again, settling in after some major life changes in less than a year.
Letting go of a relationship I thought I’d be in long-term along with a vision for my future that I’d grown attached to; losing a cat to sudden and terminal illness a week after leaving the aforementioned relationship and then moving to the middle of the country just a few weeks later.
I’ve been through worse but there was no denying this was undoubtedly A LOT at once, so I’ve taken some time to feel it all and drudge through the heavy pain and grief.
Our culture loves to say things like “get to the other side of it” regarding our emotional challenges, glorifying some magical point that we can expect to suddenly “come out of it” and feel better.
While I write to you now from a place of gratitude, only a few months ago I too was falling under the trap of illusory teaching from our social conditioning, questioning my mental well-being simply because I didn’t feel the way I expected myself to feel by said amount of self-prescribed time.
So as I salute the end of week four of living in this new city and greet week five with a beginner’s mind, I still can’t deny the longing to feel more of a “spark” within me.
Instead, a familiar heaviness has set in.
The things that used to matter don’t anymore and I’m noticing a feeling of wanting to give up control which I sometimes misconstrue for apathy.
My old patterns feel boring; I have more clarity on how I want to approach my life and relationships differently, and yet I still have to sit with my discomfort around what this will all look like in a few months.
So What's Happening?
It might be depression, or it might be my ego dissolving to make space for a more authentic version emerging.
Often, it's both.
Here's how I've learned to tell the difference:
Ego death feels like outgrowing a skin that no longer fits.
Depression feels like being trapped under a heavy blanket with no way out.
With ego dissolution, there's usually a catalyst - a spiritual experience, a major life change, or a period of deep inner work.
We feel lost because our old identities are crumbling, but there's a subtle aliveness (sometimes a restlessness) underneath the confusion.
With depression, everything feels flat.
There's often no energy, no curiosity, no sense that anything could change.
The Tricky Part?
Spiritual awakening can trigger immense grief which might feel like depression.
If we can turn toward these feelings with curiosity, we can then discover the doorway being offered to a higher level of awareness.
My practice when I can't tell the difference:
I do my best to allow the noise around me to exist while I give myself space for stillness.
Within that space, I offer myself a compassionate, gentle, and loving presence - one that has been learned, practiced, and refined over time.
I examine who it is that I’ve convinced myself that I am this time, and where is there opportunity to surrender?
I sit with the fear my ego has surrounding the uncertainty ahead and hold it with a blanket of trust that I’ve stitched together using scraps that represent the teachings along the way.
The blanket is a lot bigger now.
These invitations to learn have always led to the same truths:
It is only who we think we are that is truly dying and
When we lead our lives from a place of love and curiosity, we open ourselves up to inner strength to be with the sharpest suffering and continue to heal.
From that place, we can amass unfathomable impact.
The Bottom Line?
No matter how unbearable or heavy what you’re feeling now is perceived to be, impermanence is on your side.
This discomfort, like everything else, is temporary too.
Give yourself time to explore who it is you think you’re supposed to be contrasted with who you truly know and desire yourself to be and shed what doesn’t align with what’s true in your heart.
If you find yourself in complete confusion about what your true desires are, well that’s a great place to start. Keep going.
And do go slowly.
The ego has a hard time detaching from so much at once.
Allow yourself to pace the change so your physiology can adapt and evolve alongside you.
Sending courage for the practice,
xoxo
Rachel
